Thoughts on a Wall
4

day 4 of my break up. 

Have you ever been dumped?

I didn’t understand how “dumped” could really encompass all the feelings that come after a break up but I literally feel dumped, dumped at the curve. Told that he would not ride around here anymore and I should make no attempt at following the car. The worst part? I was under the impression we were heading towards the amusement park. 

Today is day 4. 

I feel better than day 3, day 2, and definitely day 1. 

But its the mornings, the mornings are the ones that shock me every day.

It may be due to my new apartment’s temperature, I must make it hot and cozy in the morning. Maybe I won’t feel like this anymore.

But mornings are significant, they clearly state it is a new day I am without him. its a specific number I get to add to being alone. 

It is the number I cannot longer add to the 142 days I was with him. A month and 10 days away from half a year. 

It doesn’t help I’m sleeping on his mattress. It doesn’t help my screensaver had pictures of him up until yesterday and I was to lazy to change.

It doesn’t help he was my backbone support for the past 3 months. And it doesn’t help he was the person I spoke to the most for the last 5 months. 

Mornings suck. 

Relationships and Porn

As I close a chapter of my on-life, read: online life(Also read, deprived Pornesque blog that revolves entirely on pictures of nineteen - to twenty-eight year old muscular men) I come to the realization that anyone who dares having porn and a relationship is walking a fine line. It is like walking on a rope. the problem with porn is that it hurts the other’s self esteem. But it is more complex than that, porn after all has always been there when you so needed it. 

When you came home from the club alone (read: always unless already with someone), when you were tired, when you were bored, happy, sad or just plain horny. Porn has been in my hard-drive, desktop, floppy, laptop, CDs and rewritable CDs, DVDs, and even my idevices since i was a little boy ready to satisfy me. 

When I was first introduced to porn in a relationship I was taken aback. I couldn’t get into it. There were two intimate bonds being shared at the same time. It was all wrong and I couldn’t take it. I swore I would never do this again and have not done so thus far. 

My last incident with pornographic related material was with my last relationship. There were far too many things wrong with this relationship but that will go on another post. To my amazement, my partner was not into porn. At all. He wouldn’t watch it and he didn’t want me to watch it either. It bothered him. How could this be? a guy that didn’t like porn? We are guys, in the cyber era porn is like your left hand. (right for the righties)   To say the least I was confident in this relationship and liberated. If I saw an attractive 20 year old walking through campus without a shirt I would tweet how delighted I was that life would put beautiful things for me to look at. This by no means meant I wasn’t into my boyfriend. He was attractive but either way twitter made him insecure and added to the many problems we already had. 

My most recent (a few hours ago) porn crisis stemmed from a few pictures I had on my desktop ready to be uploaded to the “pornesque” blog mentioned above. This blog had become a habit, follow a few people here and there and all of a sudden I have a part time job who’s description is to reblog as many pictures of half naked men as you can. The guy I am … or was seeing was stupefyingly beautiful. Breath taking and quite the charmer. Smart, a great kisser, sweet… well you get the picture, a very promising guy. Seeing the pictures shook his ego. It made him doubt me and how much I was into him.  Although this may be only a twig that went into the fire, now I am burning and I can’t accept I should char. Not because of this twig anyway. 

After realizing how much I could be loosing I decided to say goodbye and good riddance to my dirty blog. (only to realize I can’t delete it because it is linked to this and my main tumblr blog) I also said goodbye to those bloggers who through my feed passed me tons of beautiful specimens almost as attractive as the one I had in front of me. I looked at my desktop and thought that wasn’t enough of a sacrifice. Located my two porn folders and deleted them. that was 38 gigs of porn, collected throughout my whole life. All gone in the realization I may be doing something wrong in my search for love. 
The biggest problem in this debacle was that this person felt it was wrong to ask me to change. I disagree, no forces someone else to change, one simply decides whether it is all worth the change. So now I am question what LoVe really is?

Is love accepting the other person for who they are? 

I doubt it, many people spend their whole lives looking for such a “perfect” person.

Is love working to accept the things that we dont like about the other person or making them change it?

slightly

is love the willingness someone has to change to make the other person happy?

I believe the last to be most accurate, love is simply making your goal: make the other person happy. Whomever makes you happy and actively tries to do so should be the person you keep with you through out the rest of your life.  

Although I love your song trekkie monster: the internet is for porn by Avenue Q I will have to stay away from your theory for a bit.